Lost Boy
by tiltingaxis
Summary: "He doesn't know what he's doing, not really." Finn drabble, circa season 2.


**A/N: Written during the second half of season 2. Reupload.**

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><p>Sometimes he hates it. Okay, <em>most<em> days he _hates _it. He hates this.

Sometimes all he wants, all he spends his time thinking about is Regionals, _Break-a-leg_and _I-love-you_ and _we're-going-to-win-this-thing_ and Rachel's smile and the soft feel of her lips and- he just wants to go back to that. That's all he really wants, to go back to that specific moment in his life where he knew where he was, where he knew _exactly_ what he was doing. Where he was Finn and she was Rachel and they were just- they just _were_.

Finn and Rachel. Rachel and Finn. Finchel.

That was the moment it really began, wasn't it?

If he could just go back there, he could change everything. Everything would be different. Because that was when they started, that was when they were _them_. And that was when the stupid lie really began to matter. He wants to go back to Regionals. To _that_ Regionals, where Faithfully wasn't just a song title, but like, a promise or- or a confirmation of them. If he could just go back there, he'd do it all over again. He wouldn't lie about Santana and messed her up and she wouldn't make out with Puck to get back at him and messed _him_ up and they wouldn't be in this- this _mess_, and his life will make sense again.

It's just that _nothing_ makes sense now.

He doesn't know what he's doing, not really.

Like, his head is telling him one thing, and his heart is telling him something else and they're both saying _listen to me, I'm right_ but they want different things, and how can what he wants be so different in his head and in his heart when he's one person? When they both belong to him? He's so confused now. He's always so fucking_confused_ these days and nothing makes sense.

Not him and Quinn. Not him and Rachel. He doesn't make _sense_.

Because his brain is telling him it's_QuinnQuinnQuinn_. His brain is telling him stay with her, 'cause _she's safe Finn. She won't hurt you as bad_. But how can that be true? How can that be true when she'd hurt him before, so _badly_, when she took away _everything_ he knew and told him he was going to be a dad and let him believe it for _months_ until _that_ was all he knew, and then took _that_ away from him too? But he forgave her for that, just like he forgave Puck (although the asshole still hasn't apologized, so does that even count?), and he can't hate her, just like he can't hate Puck because she's Quinn and he's known her all her life and she told him she believes in him, and yeah it's not the same way that Rachel believes in him ('cause nothing she does is ever the same way as Rachel does it), and maybe it's not the same way as he wants her to, but she does anyway and it still counts for something right?

_Quinn won't break your heart_. That's the one thing he knows, the only thing he knows for sure through all this confusion. Quinn won't break his heart.

Because Rachel will. Or Rachel did, and he doesn't think it's all put together just yet, and he thinks it'll never be all put together because she's still holding pieces of it in her hands and he can't take them back from her no matter how hard he tries. And that's the thing, isn't it? His damn heart, and the way it still skips a beat when she smiles at him, still clenches painfully when she sings, still jumps and drums and stutters and stalls and beats and pumps along to _RachelRachelRachel_.

It still _hurts_.

He's trying to move on. Why can't he do that? Why does he keep thinking about Regionals_,_about _Break-a-leg_and _I-love-you_ and _we're-going-to-win-this-thing_ and Rachel's smile and the soft feel of her lips ,and the future that's now in the past, and _changechangechange_ and going back to change things, to make it all over again so that this time he'll know better. This time he won't lie because he loved (loves) her too much. Because he loved (loves) her _so_ much that it terrified him, because if she found out, she won't love him anymore, not the way she loved him then.

Because he was so _fucking_ afraid of loving her more than she loved him.

Okay, so he was selfish, alright? He was a coward. He lied to protect himself, to protect his heart, and hers too, but mostly his because he loved (loves) her too much, because he thought he'd lose her if she knew and now they've both lost each other and how was that stupid, _stupid_ lie ever a good idea again?

But his heart keeps telling him_RachelRachelRachel_, and where does that leave him now?

He wants to go back to Regionals, because it's just so much easier then when he was just Finn who was (is) in love with Rachel and they were just _them_ and there was no- there isn't all this-_future_ in between them. Because she's going to be a star. He knows that. He's always known that. But it never really hit him before, not the way it hits him now. Where does he fit into her future? She's got it all neatly mapped out and somewhere along the way he's thrown in there too, but what if he's in the part of her life that belongs to Lima? What if all he is, is in the _now_, and her future is somewhere in a different box (or circle or square or triangle, _whatever_), one that he can't fit his giant frame in?

Because he can't do it a second time. Because if they do this again, if he listens to his heart _again_, it's going to hurt more than it ever did. If they do this again, he won't ever be able to let go, and won't that be selfish of him then? Won't that make him an asshole if he can't let her go when he has to? And isn't that the whole reason he's in this mess in the first place? Because he was selfish? Maybe he's selfish now. Maybe hiding his heart behind a Quinn-shaped shield is so much_worse_ than not being able to let her go.

Is he trying to protect her, or is he trying to protect himself? Can he protect them both? He can't, because pieces of his _damn_ heart are still in her hands, and she's got a vice grip on them and she's never letting go and he's just a big coward. He's just a big fat bowl of chicken, because she scares him.

She fucking _terrifies_ him.

When he was a kid, his mom used to tell him about the Northern star, about how it guides lost sailors home. "Stars can guide you home Finn," she'd tell him. "You just have to look for the right one". He asked her once if maybe it could point his dad home too, and that was the last time they talked about that. He hasn't thought about that for years. But he thinks about it now. He thinks about stars and homes and Rachel, and he gets the feeling that they're all connected in some way, and it _scares_ him.

Because some things are coming together now, and what he can make out in his blurry, hazy mind is some sort of connection between _everything_. Between him and Quinn, between him and Rachel, between him and Quinn and Rachel. But he can't see it yet, he can't see how _any_ of this makes any _sense_ just yet, because Quinn's like fireworks that send little flares of warnings and signals, and Rachel's a star and stars guide you home, and Finn.

He's just lost as usual.


End file.
